“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.