Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
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Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt