It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Sign of the day..
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
A wise man once said nothing.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road