It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Selfie
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids