@lyric_intent: It's ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too
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@liv_thatsme: “Any plans this weekend?” Me: Just some baby seal clubbing. “YOU’RE A MONSTER!” Me: (later that night, having a warm cocoa with some conservationists at the Baby Seal Club) I don’t know why everyone at work hates me.
@TheresNoGodzila: Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs Me: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
@NYC_Blonde: "You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you're at the gym when really you're out shopping" is the title of my autobiography.
@WhaJoTalkinBout: Her: What's your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom? Me: Showering is optional Her: HAHAHA, be serious. Me: Ok, no drug tests.