@WorstLastWords: It's OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
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@thatcarlygirl: What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you? - My toddler, wooing the dog
@junejuly12: If my boss knew I rated him "needs improvement" in last night's sex dream, he probably wouldn't have been so nice to me today.
@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]
@truegritrumble: Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid's packed lunch.