Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
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I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.