It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
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Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Me checking my bank balance online.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.