Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
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I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this