It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
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I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives