It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
You Might Also Like
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.