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@AllisulliOTProf: It's only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
@Jenny4ashley: *goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
@Parkerlawyer: I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
"Wait a minute. I'm named after beer?!!?"
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
@noog: *Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
"ALFRED WE'RE GETTING IPHONES."
@LuvPug: My son- Can I have ice cream?
Me- No, it's breakfast
Him-The dog just pooped in the living room
Me-Clean it up & you can have some ice cream
@KalvinMacleod: ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here