It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
shampoo implies shampee
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.