“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?