It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
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Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
How can I say no to this ?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake