It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what