“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’