“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise