WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I only eat vegetarians.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!