ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
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Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
That’s easy for you to say
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Love it! 👍😂
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
A little too much information.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry