@ShesAllNat: Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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@Ideal_Victoria: Me: I can't get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth Friend: I love those candies Me: Candies?
@SamGrittner: People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
@david8hughes: [soldier making lunch] Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
@astutenewf: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.