Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?