Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Yup….perfect score!
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
accurate
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts