@JasonLastname: It's sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
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@notacroc: GROCER: slide your card ME: it didn't work GROCER: does it have a chip? ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
@TEXASVETERAN: I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that's why girls call me Frankenstein.
@david8hughes: [date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Wife: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
@ChickenFrecklez: Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me. She blamed it on pregnancy brain. I asked her if she was having triplets.