It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
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Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
men, we mow at sunrise.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards