It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
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If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Cause of death: Zumba
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”