It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
You Might Also Like
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Bring back the McRib
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months