It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
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the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT