become ungovernable
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You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Easy enough.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.