It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
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says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.