It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty đ
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I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now Iâm live tweeting âThe Walking Dead.â
Wife:
Me: Everything isnât about you.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say ânever sinkâ know that anchors are made to sink?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
My son just called his mom an âinterrupting chickenâ so Iâm real keen to see how this plays out
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didnât know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the âright one.â
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. Whatâs yours?