@TaylorComedy: It's so annoying when you're trying to poison someone but they're just not thirsty :(
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@TheCatWhisprer: Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
@EndhooS: Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine? Jesus: ON Girl: What? Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
@DowntimeDad: I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn't poop their pants.
@DanMentos: [nabisco hq] "Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas" *raises hand* "anyone else?" … … "ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-" Wheat Thicks