It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
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Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here