MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”