One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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Velcrow
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
are there any atheist mantises?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.