It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off