It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.