@karlainvt: It's so cute how my kids think I'm going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
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@pixelatedboat: You (dumb, hasn't seen Fight Club): If I buy things I'll be happy Me (smart, has seen Fight Club): I'm going to punch someone in a basement
@KizerBillhelm: Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it's your neighbor's window and they're calling the cops?
@murrman5: "911" you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat "how far apart are the contractions?" about 2 miles but I'm driving pretty fast