It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
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I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Saturday
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Customer is always right
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy