@karlainvt: It's so cute how my kids think I'm going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
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@Kali_Mura: Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane. Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
@samalmightysam: Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
@MissNaughty1801: Boss:I need you to do something for me... Me:what? Boss:go on the jobcentre website and look for another job
@Bandersnaaatch: There's a bird in the yard and she's shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.