It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.