@darrinfb: It's so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.
@IvoryGazelle: listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
@CYComedy: Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife's Facebook account?
@hansmollman: Biden: Oh boy, his car is here, quick let's all hide
Obama: Joe pls
@causticbob: If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@RorynotRoy: Give a man a compliment & he'll be all, "Yeah, I've been working out." Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he'll be all, "I feel SO fat."