I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
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All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk