It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.