@Robert_Beau: It's so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
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@bazlyons: Turns out when you're asked who your favourite child is you're expected to pick from your own.
@huntigula: [Anteater eats some termites] [looks up to heaven] "YOU DON'T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!"
@Sarcasticsapien: I'm done congratulating people for having babies. Parents have been getting praise for having sex incorrectly for way too long.