it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician