It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
This was a bad idea all around
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.