It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Quadruple digit IQ
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.