[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.