It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Google assistant rules
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.