“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding