It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
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The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
They’re not wrong
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better