It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
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*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.