@iLikeCatShirts: It's that pottery scene from Ghost except it's me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
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@haleysfalling: cop: are you high? me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope* cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov
@DurtMcHurtt: [making out] ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand* GIRLFRIEND: omg really? ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
@Anon_o_Mom: My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can't stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
@orange_rhymer: Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism? Me: I've been.. Doc: ... Me: ... Doc: ... Me: ... Doc: ... Me: Coffin. Doc: get out