It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
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Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
goldfish mafia
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him