It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
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Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.