It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
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Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Can. I. Help. You.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
🤣🤣
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.