It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes