It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.