As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
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You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
this is the greatest thing ever
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with